Rabbi Lil's people were in great need, beset on all sides by belligerent club owners, sulphourous burning men, and enormous mobs of tiny lascivious clowns. One night, before she passed out drunk, Odessa Lil asked G_D for guidance. Upon waking in a puddle of someone else's vomit, she declared, "It is as if the universe lifted its hemline and I beheld the ankles of G_D!"
Odessa Lil had received a plan for salvation in a dream. The instructions were simple: create an entity to protect Rabbi Lil's people, frighten the harmful riff raff away, and maybe this entity could vacuum once in a while.
Odessa Lil immediately set to work. The creature was to be composed of the four fundamental elements: earth, wind, fire, and beer. Getting the earth, wind, and fire was easy because an ex had left one of their albums at her place a while back. But beer cost money and she didn't have any. Instead, she improvised with Sparks malt liquor energy drink.
On the 20th day of the Hebrew month of Adar in the year 5340, Odessa Lil conducted the clandestine ritual on the banks of the Moldau River. A clay figure was fashioned; it was ten feet tall and had basic human features. She scrapped it and started over, this time using mayo instead of Sparks.
Odessa Lil circled the inert figure seven times, saying certain mystical phrases and a few Polish jokes. Suddenly the clay sculpture glowed red with heat. "Holy shit!" exclaimed Lil.
G_D breathed into this fershlugginer golem's nostrils the breath of life and this pile of clay and mayo became a living soul. The golem opened his eyes immediately and stood up.
"Hi! I'm Sailor Billy!"
"Creepy." Odessa Lil said, then steadied herself. "I created you from clay and mayo. You are here for one purpose only -- to save our people from evil lame-os. You must only listen to my orders and do everything I ask you to do."
The golem nodded to show he understood. Then he stood up, stretched, and said, "I gotta go. I'll call you later."
