Behaviors that have led me to believe that I may be a victim of "The Modern Condition":

1. Mistaking a hair salon for a restaurant and vice versa.
2. Dreaming about writing emails to people.
3. No longer wanting a helper monkey, but wanting a helper monkey robot that can write emails to people.
4. Swallowing more pills a day than I do food.
5. Taking notes on what to blog about later.

Indra, Chris, Brett, and I had a great Saturday roaming the Mission, knocking stuff over in the dangerously overstocked Siegel's, commenting on which wig heads we thought were most attractive at The Wig Factory, and making up songs for future shows that should probably never happen ("There's so much I'd rather do than be with you/Hold my breath and turn blue/Get a Celtic Pride Tattoo/Play the Kazoo"). Brett was able to buy some bags of hair for a project (should I just leave it at that? Yeah...) and I had my first full day of outdoors since being slightly incapacitated. It's days like that that remind me why I live in San Francisco.

Oh, and another good thing about San Francisco...I'm throwing an SF SpeakEasily in March! Here's your early warning!

March 6, 2005

Join us at SpeakEasily, that nouveau-vaudeville traveling flea-circus that's got everyone itching and scratching for more! We've got hot jazz, burlesque girls, drunken sailors, and Meter Dancers for rent! Hosted by everyone's favorite turn-of-the-century wandering domme, Mistress of Ceremonies Odessa Lil!

8pm: hot jazz DJing and dancing,
9pm: Showtime!
$6, or $4 dressed in ye old pharmaceutical gear (in honor of The
Madrone Lounge occupying the site of the turn-of-the century Green's Pharmacy.)

the swingin' sounds of
THE TIN CUP SERENADE - These bad boys croon,
thump, and blow old time jazz, blues, and western swing!

Male burlesque SINsation
Nouveau-Vaudeville's own beauty queen,
Old-time Hollywood glamour babe
Burlesque showstopper and a founder of The Diamond Daggers CHERRY LIX
Creator of "Burlesquersize" -- BOMBSHELL BETTY

Did The Ramones and Rudy Vallee have a lovechild?

THE SpeakEasily METER DANCERS! Their dance-floor affections are all yours for a few dollars a dance. BUT be warned: these gold-diggers may waltz away with your hearts (check for your wallets too).

“An ox remains an ox, even if driven to Vienna.”
-- Hungarian Proverb

~Odessa Lil~


To say: "I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all''--
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: "That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.'' (*)

Ok, not really. But I am feeling much better, thanks. I slept more in the past four days than I did for most of 2004. I'm walking around like John Wayne with cramps (only slower) and from what I've read, the bits they took out should grow back eventually. Who could ask for anything more? Well, ok...it would have been nice to not have gone through it at all. BUT then where would I have gotten the time to watch How To Stuff A Wild Bikini (Buster Keaton couldn't have actually thought his lines were funny...poor legend.)? And everyone has been great. Brett put up with me for days on end as I slept, only waking long enough to order him around. AND thank you so much to Lisa Baloian for the flowers and Indra for an amazing feathered head piece! I can't wait until I feel up to wearing it! AND thanks Joe for Sock Monkey, who makes me feel very suspicious of toys. And thanks Aviva for the homeopathic mushroom cures.

Killing your dad just aint kosher: If you have 19 minutes to spare, I highly recommend listening to Shalom Auslander reads his story, "The Blessing Bee" on This American Life. It's about his third-grade schul experiences with wishing his father dead, memorizing Hebrew blessings, and touching himself. I've been a huge fan of Auslander's ever since seeing his "Man's Search for Schulz" comic in an Esquire after Charles Schultz's death...so wrong and yet so right. I can tell he and I have a lot in common. His first book of short stories is coming out soon.

Tahoe: Brett and I built a SNOW TIKI!! Before and after.

Memories: Jeffrey Walls took some wild photos at the last SpeakEasily. Here's one from when a great number of us got on the stage. I'll post more later when I get around to getting some more web space!

Kool!: One of Max's many bands Lord Loves A Working Man is finally on line! Congrats and welcome to the 90's! But seriously folks, you gotta check them out one of these days. Besides being a reference to the BEST MOVIE EVER, they are wonderful...AND they've played Fresno. Brave men, them.

Yatta yatta yatta: Thanks Mike. I'm not sure if this is work safe...I mean, the fig leaf is in place and all, but do you really want your co-workers to think you like this sort of thing?


Jim has written by far the most insightful response to Brett’s guest blog and shows an uncanny ability to deconstruct the portrait photography of Miss Lisa Nola:

He [Brett] is a sick, sick man. He's feeding you chocolate milk and corn chips? That's what the Moonies do to break down individual will (It's true: chocolate milk and corn chips... The Reverend even has his own brand of each... ) The day you show up dressed like Dennis the Menace, I'm organizing an intervention. If you have a slingshot or a frog anywhere on your person, I will have you professionally deprogrammed.

… but what the heck is up with that picture of you two? Alright... blahr-blahr-blahr, whatever, but did you have the nerd-filter over the camera lens? Look, I know what _I_ look like right now (hint: not good) but fergawdsake, woman! I've seen you without the mantle of Glamour upon you and you still had All The Cuteness. But _geeez_... I mean seriously... Were you guys rolling up new D&D characters when you took that picture? Is this the effect of an all-chip diet? I mean _wow_... Yeah, cute nerd, but still... _nerd_. I'm a nerd so hey, I know.

Here I am in 2005, just a week and a day away from a trip to the Mount Zion Cancer Center. They won’t return my phone calls to answer my general questions and I am having moments of increasing panic and doubts about the sanity of their front desk staff. In order to stave off anxiety attacks, I have been:

1. Making lists.
Such as: My survival kit for Tahoe this weekend: Mad Magazine board game, Twister, Ativan, DVDs (Spaceballs, The She Beast {thanx Russell!), Modesty Blaise, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini…all the classics), chocolate, a coat.

2. Spending an hour picking out the right pocket calendar. (Sorry folks, I just have no time to answer emails or phone calls.)

3. Learning all about the ancient art of the Scopitone! These early music videos were made for “film jukeboxes” in the early ‘60s and today serve as a testaments to the power of low-budge film making. Scopitone.Com has a great Scopitone of the Day right now, “Sea Cruise” by the Hondells. Watch ‘em all, but I recommend the following for a few special friends:
Bombshell Betty: “Queen of the House” Jody Miller
Back Street D: “Madeleine” Jaque Brel and Angry French Guy
Lisa: “These Boots Were Made for Walking” Nancy Sinatra
Sailor Billy: “Harlem Shuffle” Vigon


Good Evening ladies and germs!

Bratty Brett Stillo here. I’m this week’s special guest blog. At this very moment, Audra is passed out on the couch. Too much beer and Fritos I suppose. Oh, those two magical droplets of manna from Heaven! They have been our primary sustenance for the past week while we’ve been spent every waking hour watching football: Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Sugar Bowl, Gator Bowl, Thyroid Bowl, Pork Bowl, Throat Lozenge Bowl, Toupee Bowl, Cocaine Bowl, Bowl, Mongoloid Bowl, Cholesterol Bowl, Pathological Liar Bowl, Bowl Bowl, and of course, the Playoffs! The Playoffs have been particularly hard for poor Audra. Both the Seahawks and Chargers lost today and she had money on both teams.

Of course, there are those who say I’ve been a bad influence on Ms. Wolfmann. They say I’m to blame for her recent radical fashion tastes towards Ed “Big Daddy” Roth Rat-Fink t-shirts and chocolate milk stains. I must confess . . . I fear they are right. I should have bought more to eat than just Fritos. Cheetos and Pringles would have helped. What a careless fool I have been! An utter cad! A nincompoop even! Tomorrow, I’m planning to atone for my hubris and do something special for Audra by taking her to the Hot Rod show at the Cow Palace.

Speaking of cows and their majestic palaces, the place to be on Friday, January 21st is THEE Parkside for a stimulating evening of cheap and sleazy Rawk, featuring those long-haired noodnicks, The Flakes. Along for the ride is the pride of Sacramento, The S.L.A, and the future of RocknRoll, the Mothballs. Thee Parkside is scenically located on the corner of 17th and Wisconson St. in beeyouteeful Potrero Hill. Advance tickets n stuff are available someplace, but I don’t know where.

We’re out of Pabst and Audra is starting to wake up. I know my sacred duty. 7-11 is just a few blocks away. Please log on next week when our guest blogger will be Mike Drudge’s dog.

So long and thanks for nothing!

Brett and Audra at the pre-Teriyaki Rice Bowl tailgater.

This is Audra...I thought the Seahawks and the Chargers were the gangs in West Side Story.